A complete, utter, ridiculous HOT MESS.
I felt as if high blood sugars were pelting my daughter from every angle. I had visions of me pushing her into a corner while I stood out front, wearing a painted brave face, battling an endless array of 400's with a mighty sword. Every time another 400 flashed across the meter, I had to fight the urge to jump on top of her in an effort to act as a coat of armor, desperately trying to protect her kidneys -- her eyesight -- her nerves -- her EVERYTHING from flying debris that could not be seen with the naked eye.
Nights were restless at best. I had a hard time engaging in life. I started to forget important things, and couldn't seem to finish anything I started. I had Animas posts started and vlogs to create, but I couldn't focus. I felt anxious and distracted, and worked hard to keep my emotions hidden so as not to burden anyone around me. I snapped easily, barked louder, and stomped my feet over the slightest irritation. Answering midnight calls from parents about routine prescription refills chafed my nerves. I cried when I was alone, because I had tried everything I knew to do, and didn't know what to try next. I often stared at whatever was on the TV to disguise the fact that my brain was trying piece together a puzzle with a million missing pieces.
We went to the endo -- they suggested a few pump setting changes. Nothing worked.
Meanwhile, all three of my girls cycled through illnesses. Strep, fevers, coughs, snotty noses, vomiting, missed school, sleepless nights...drugs, DRUGS, and MORE DRUGS!!!! I was scrubbing bathrooms, washing sheets, and changing toothbrushes constantly.
By Thanksgiving, all I wanted to do was pull the blankets up over my head, and sleep until the nightmare ended.
So why am I telling you this?
Because if you didn't know better, you might peruse the ol' bloggy here and assume I had my act together.
Images of happy children, a family that goes to church every weekend, a supportive hubby, gluten-free cookies, Christmas tree lights, diabetes camp, the good old days.......HA! I would have had you shammed.
When you're surfing around the DOC -- reading blogs, checking Facebook, lurking in chat forums -- you may come across pictures of beautiful CGM readings, amazing A1c reports, and perfect post parandial blood sugars. It's easy to compare your situation to the ones you read about, and get caught up in the notion that you aren't measuring up as a pancreas for your child.
But don't be fooled. Each of those posts are momentary victories. They don't always paint the big picture.
I mean, I'd love to post Dex pics like this every day...
But the truth is that we often have pictures that look more like this...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that your child's A1c might be 6, 11, or anything in between. Your child's variables are different than my kid's. Your family routines differ than ours. Your life isn't the same as anyone else's in the DOC.
We're each unique.
As parents of T1 kids, we each have the responsibility of balancing the demands of diabetes with the task of raising up our child amid the individualized journeys we're travelling.
You know when there are areas that need improvement.
You know when you're on your A-Game.
Keep plugging along.
Keep reading, and learning, and asking questions. Keep testing, and counting, and bolusing.