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Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Rock. (BodyBack Workout: Week 6 Review)

I have to be honest when I say that I'm bummed about the scale.  I wanted to lose a ton of weight.  Instead, I gained a pound...

But I've also gained a sense of strength that I didn't realize I was capable of.  I've gained endurance.  I've gained perspective.  I've gained a sense of accomplishment.  I've gained friendships.

I've been empowered as a wife, mother, gluten-eliminator, and stand-in pancreas for my daughter.

I'm not sure I was prepared for the emotional response I would have to this BodyBack experience.  In the past six weeks, I've done things I never imagined that I would ...COULD ... be capable of doing.

When I look back on the past 6 years, the same holds true.  Six years ago, the symptoms were there -- albeit, intermittent -- but still there, nonetheless.  In my heart, I knew what was happening, but I chose to ignore it.  I didn't think I'd ever be able to face the truth.  I stayed in the safe haven of denial until it was almost too late.  It took ME (the RN, the MOTHER, the "STRONG ONE") a week before I could prick her finger or give her a shot with confidence.  I never thought I could look at a plate of food and guess the carbs correctly.  I was sure I wouldn't be able to figure out how to stop the awful lows she used to have.  I didn't think I could ever master an insulin pump.  I was sure that our life couldn't ever be "normal" without gluten, and doubted my ability to re-create her favorite foods after her celiac diagnosis.  After a rough CGM go round, I was sure I wouldn't be able to make a CGM work in this house ever again.  When we were faced with the decision to change insulin pumps, I was afraid that I didn't have what it would take to learn how to manage a new insulin delivery system.  Along the way, I've managed to send her off to her church classes, a full day of school, sleepovers, and many playdates.

Six years ago, I didn't think any of that would be possible.

Six weeks ago, I would have laughed in your face, if you would have suggested that *I* might be capable of running a mile, much less three.....uphill at that.  A full kickboxing class while holding 10 pound weights?  Never.  Plyometrics?  What are THOSE?

So, when I showed up for traveling class this week...and Kelly told us to "go pick out our rock"...I immediately began looking for a pebble.  A traveling class while carrying a rock?  Not me.  No way.  Besides, a pebble is a rock, right?

And then my friend, handed me one.  "It's a good shape.  You can kind of hold it close."

"Yeah.  But it feels so heavy.  That's a lot of rock to carry.  I'm just not sure I can do this."

Before I had a chance to decide for sure if it was the right rock for me, Kelly was giving us the signal.

"Let's go."

Period.  That's it.  No leisure walk to build up steam.  Just a simple  "Let's go.", and we were in tow.

Kind of like learning that you're child has Type 1 Diabetes.  There's no choice in learning how to calculate carbs, poke fingers, give insulin shots, and a million other things that go along with coping with this diagnosis.  "Let's go."  That's it.

Running, running, (walking), running, running, (walking)...up streets, down streets....throwing our rocks down a hill then running down after it, charging back up the hill, repeat, repeat, repeat...more running (walking)...

A little over 4 miles later, Kelly told us to put our rocks down.

And then we ran about another half a mile -- uphill -- without it.  Even though it wasn't in my arms any longer, I still felt it there.  I definitely felt lighter, but still had a sense of where I had been holding it...and I almost missed it. My arms felt kind of empty without it.  I was really tired, and it felt good to leave it behind for this last leg of our workout, but I knew it was waiting for me.

By the time I got to the top of the hill, I wasn't a happy camper.

In fact, I was mad.  I was mad that I was so tired.  I was mad that I was so out of breath.  I was mad that my foot was hurting.  I was mad at the decisions I've made that led to this blob of a person I've become.  I was mad that diabetes has invaded our life.  Mad.  MAD!

I honestly didn't think I could go on.

I was walking down the last part of the hill, thinking to myself that I would just walk to my van and leave.  No one would notice, right?  (Nevermind that the group was gathering in the parking lot behind my van.)  I'll just leave my stupid rock, and go home.  Stupid me for thinking I could do any of this.

I was wallowing in my own angry lake of fury, when I heard someone whisper beside me "Come on.  You can do it.  You can run the rest of the way."  That one voice turned out to be an entire group circled around me.  I couldn't run and hide in a different direction.  They were all there.  My fellow BodyBack Mamas surrounded me from every angle.  And they weren't leaving me behind.  They weren't going to let me cross that finish line alone....or give up.  I'm quite sure some of them were running in place just to stay beside me.

I finished strong.

As strong as I could, anyway.

It felt good to leave the anger behind.  It felt good knowing I wasn't alone.

After a little quiet time, I gathered up my stuff to head home.

Not to forget my rock.

Diabetes has become a rock that I must carry.  I choose the way I'll carry this rock.  Sometimes it rests in the corner of one arm, then the other, over my head, wrapped with both arms against my chest.  

Sometimes I want to throw the rock as far as I can...but I must always go pick it up and move on.  Sometimes, I hold the rock close...thankful it's there, because it means my daughter is alive.  Now and then I can laugh at the rock.  Everyday I rely on other people who are carrying similar rocks.

A time will come that I'll be able to put this rock down, but it will always be there.  

One day she'll have to choose how to carry this rock.  I hope she'll pick a way that fits her well.  When she's sure that she can't go any further, I'll come alongside her and whisper in her ear that I believe in her.  I'll run in place beside her, and I won't let her give up.  

It is my prayer that she'll finish strong.

Body Back® is the newest program release from Stroller Strides’ founder Lisa Druxman. Body Back is a results based workout program for moms of any age. Inspired by the Mama Wants Her Body BackDVD series, it offers high intensity, interval workouts along with before and after fitness assessments, a nutrition plan, coaching and support in a motivating and inspirational program. The workouts have been clinically proven in a University research study to help moms lose the weight and get their pre-baby body back. Moms all over the country are achieving results that they never dreamed possible. 100% of the weight lost was pure body fat! You will see that anything is possible!

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  1. Chills!
    What a great analogy...and knowing we have support in our rock carrying journey makes it possible to put one foot in front of the other.

  2. I told you 10/12 weeks ago. How many was it now that you would not do this alone. We would not leave you behind and when you could no longer push yourself we would push you on. You have been amazing! No mama left behind!! Look how far you've come!

    P.S. Have been feeling guilty for days. I don't think my rock weighs more than 9lbs. Part of why I havent stopped by to have you weigh it. I'll feel like a heel if I gave you the boulder and mine is a pebble.

  3. Shelbi...I looked long and hard. There wasn't a pebble in the bunch!

    Let's not overlook the fact that you have NOT walked a single step in any travel class. Nope. You have POUNDED each and every class -- strong, great form, looking GOOD! I, on the other hand, have practically had to stop and crawl to make it back to the parking lot.

    No pebbles. Only boulders.

  4. What a beautiful post, Wendy! You are such a strong lady. ((hugs))

  5. Well, I am tearing up. Sharing this. This is inspirational on so, so many levels Wendy. I wish the same for Joe. I hope he carries it well.

  6. Wow. I read this earlier today and had to come back and read it again. Well written and an amazing story! This is so heartfelt and true. thank you for writing it

  7. Those painted rocks are awesome, Wendy! Perfect for WDD!

  8. This is one of the best posts I've read in a lonf time. It touched my heart and that doesnt happen often.

    Love it!

  9. Love the analogy! The comparisons are fantastic.

    I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again: I'm SO proud of you!!!!!! You are working through challenges that are emotional, mental and physical, gaining strength, endurance, confidence and a healthier body. So, so, SO proud of you!!! Cheering you on from across town!!!

    The part about being mad -- I can relate to that without even doing BodyBack.

    And, BTW, you are seriously inspiring me to get moving again.

    Love the way you painted the rock, too! That could be one of your entries for Diabetes Art Day! Did your kids paint rocks too? My kids love painting rocks. It's a great summertime activity.

  10. this is a great post. we are all carrying a big rock... good on you for keeping on. exercising is mental strength when starting out just like managing diabetes. good on you for keeping going. eventually the happy hormones kick in . when you get that exercising high you will never go back! xx

  11. Wow. SO very true, in so many ways. ((HUGS))

  12. This was a wonderful post, thank you for sharing!!! I love your rock. ((hugs))

  13. this was an amazing post. having a hard time lately letting go of the anger myself. AWESOME post!! WAY TO GO

  14. I love your big ol' 10 lb. rock! And I'm so impressed you could carry it!! (and your "after 4 miles.." got me!! I can't go 4 miles!!!) Way to GO! : )

  15. Aw Wendy, I loved this. She WILL carry it well, I have no doubt.

    You are inspiring me to keep up with the excercise...that BodyBack program sounds tough, but awesome! :)

  16. Do you kmow how proud I am of you? Of all that you're doing? You inspire me. way to go, Mama!


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While I'm happy to share our experiences with what works, and what doesn't work, for the management of Type 1 Diabetes and Celiac Disease in our house, please do not mistake anything you read here for medical advice. Decisions regarding your/your child's health care should be made only with the assistance of your medical care team. Use any information from this blog at your own risk.