I couldn't breath.
I couldn't move fast enough.
I couldn't get up and down without losing my balance.
I couldn't do one. single. push up.
My shoes weren't tied tight enough and started falling off when I was trying to sprint back to baseline.
My back hurt.
My foot hurt.
My head hurt.
My spirit hurt.
For the most part, I stayed pretty quiet for the duration of my first BodyBack class.
Partly because I was afraid.
Partly because I was overwhelmed.
Mostly because I thought I'd cry if I opened my mouth.
I weighed in at the highest weight I've ever recorded for myself.
That was at the beginning of class.
I felt like an avalanche of failure from that point on.
Dragging myself to that class was the first step, I guess.
And, at the end, when the instructor announced that it wasn't even half of what I could expect in the weeks ahead, I was pretty sure that I'd end up humiliating myself...as if I hadn't already.
As is the case every night, I got up in the wee hours of the morning to check my sleeping child's blood sugar.
I kept hearing the instructor's words...emphasizing the importance of a good night's sleep for success...and couldn't help but to wonder if I'm just doomed to fail -- again.
When I walked in her bedroom, I knew something was wrong. Dex was laying on the floor. Obviously it had been alarming and vibrated itself off the table.
Words can't describe the pit in your stomach, when you see that on the screen...how long has it been like this? How long has it been calling for someone to come help her?
Glancing at that trend graph, I got my answer. And it wasn't pretty.
Finger poke 45.
Juice box.
Temp basal.
Prayer.
While I waited for a better number so I could go back to sleep, I found myself circling the kitchen floor.
I wanted to grab some jelly beans or chocolate or ice cream.
I wanted to make the guilt of missing that alarm go away.
I wanted to feel better.
But I didn't.
I just kept circling. Pacing. Wandering.
I wonder if 20 minutes of midnight shuffling counts as one of the 2 daily workouts?
Recheck -- 81.
Still not high enough.
More juice.
More pacing.
Finally 110.
I made it.
I made it through a frightening overnight low blood sugar...without feeding my anxiety with sugar.
I'll call that a victory.
Body Back® is the newest program release from Stroller Strides’ founder Lisa Druxman. Body Back is a results based workout program for moms of any age. Inspired by the Mama Wants Her Body BackDVD series, it offers high intensity, interval workouts along with before and after fitness assessments, a nutrition plan, coaching and support in a motivating and inspirational program. The workouts have been clinically proven in a University research study to help moms lose the weight and get their pre-baby body back. Moms all over the country are achieving results that they never dreamed possible. 100% of the weight lost was pure body fat! You will see that anything is possible!
(2).png)
But nothing is impossible with God :: Luke 1:37.
ReplyDeleteI know it really, really stinks right now; but last night was it. The lowest you will feel and the highest weight you will record while on this program.
Half of the work is already completed . . . all that mental drudgery and hopeful prayer that lead you to embark on this adventure. That's work!
You are battling 2 wars. One you can conquer with your body and the other only God can direct. I KNOW if you do your part, His promises will flow freely.
I know you can do this, Wendy. I believe in you!!!!!
Find the joy . . . find the joy . . . find the joy . . . love - amy
Girl, starting out is the hardest part. the first step is going to make you hate it. And you will want to give up, and you will want to cry. But you will learn quickly how fast that learning curve spikes. If you do the same thing three times in a row, by the third time it won't take nearly as much effort. You have it in you, trust me. You prove that to us everyday with your T1 girl. it DOES get easier and when you reap the rewards effortlessly for the first time? write about it!
ReplyDeleteGood job! I am proud of you for facing that 1st day weigh-in and working hard and then I am super proud of you for not eating the anxiety away. Celebrate the victories no matter how small they will all add up to a big victory! Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteWay to go Wendy! Be proud of yourself...it will get easier and you will LOVE the results! and yes, pacing around in the middle of the night while you wait for a rise in bg counts as a work out...at least it is burning calories (esp when the alternative is to take in the sweets) Not that you want to be treating lows every night! :-)
ReplyDeleteYou can do this, get yourself back and it starts with one step, which you have already taken. Soon you will do one push up, the two, then three... And so it goes. I am so sorry about the low. Hugs my friend and so glad you are in the journey back to yourself.
ReplyDeleteA victory indeed!!!
ReplyDeleteBaby steps, my friend. A weigh-in, one grueling class, resisting the urge to emotionally eat...you're doing it!!! You're going to get to where you want to be!!! Don't give up!!! You have it within you to do this!!!!
I feel like you've just said out loud so many things that I say to myself, quietly, so that no one can hear the shame and failure I feel.
ReplyDeletePlease keep writing about this. Some of us need to hear that others are on this long, difficult road - and that while it isn't ever easy, it never has to be alone.
The first step is always the hardest and you took the first step! I would totally count the pacing as a workout!! Especially since you didn't stress eat...WAY TO GO!!
ReplyDeleteThat's always the worst. when you're wondering how long they've been low.
ReplyDeleteGood for you starting this journey! It will get easier!! The first one is always the hardest. Wow, what a scary low...we have never had one that low. So I assume she was able to drink the juice without much prodding from you? That is always my fear and I can imagine the sinking feeling you felt when you saw that # and dex on the floor.
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited to be on this journey with you - WE will conquer this. Lean on us when you need to, blog to get it all out, sweat and cry and laugh in class and in life as much as you can. There is no end in site, this is a lifestyle, one with ups and downs and just being out there is a huge step towards a healthier lifestyle for us and our families. Please try not to compare during this journey - we each have our own battles and joined BB for a multitude of reasons - someone able to do more sit ups than you and I doesn't mean squat. Pun intended. ;) Try not to say anything to yourself that you wouldn't want your daughter(s) saying to themselves. Be kind to yourself and your body and reap the benefits! Big hugs - see you Saturday!!
ReplyDeleteHi Wendy! I know you don't know me and probably don't remember me from the blur that was bodyback last night. But I wanted to step in and say we are here for you. Reading your blog I can already tell you have amazing strength in you just from what you have been going through. Use that. Bodyback is so much more then just a workout. In making this commitment for yourself you will see changes in you that you never thought possible. It is something we, as mothers, desperately need and don't do enough for ourselves. I remember one class, last session, where I sobbed the entire class. I was going through a lot, the workout was intense, and I felt like I just had nothing left. But that's where the other mamas come into play. We are a family. You didn't know it but you just got 19 sisters. We will help you get through everything. And you WILL run fast enough. You WILL get up and down w/out being dizzy. You WILL do pushups..man style...military man style. You will have muscles you didn't think existed. You will be strong, physically and emotionally. Because it is already there...you just have to find it. :) So hang in there, stop beating yourself up, and we expect to see you bright and early Saturday morning. Kelly K
ReplyDeleteThat's a victory in anyone's book. Take a breath, lean on yuour firends - Shelbi is a great one! (even with several states in between I can attest to this!) and try again. You're health is worth it and so is the moment you feel it inside when you've hit your groove and you know it hasn't beaten you.
ReplyDeleteArizona has some wonderful mommy role-models... Your little girls are pretty lucky ;-)
Wendy...way to go girl...you may have been discouraged, but just think of all the people sitting at home not doing anything! You are taking care of yourself, so you can take care of your family...good for you and keep it up...you are awesome!!
ReplyDeleteWendy,
ReplyDeleteI remember during my first session of BodyBack I felt so guilty because I am such a slow runner. I always felt like I held everyone back and most importantly I was embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't keep up.
I remember Katie telling me that I need to remember that we are all on individual journeys. Some people are here and some people are there and comparing doesn't do anything but hold us back.
You are already such a strong woman and this is just going to make you realize just how strong you are, just don't ever give up on yourself because you will be amazed in the end and trust me it is totally worth all the sweat, blood and tears.
You have done more now than most women have, you had the guts to start a program like BodyBack, be proud mama, you are amazing!
Jess
P.S. No one sees you breathing hard, stumbling or falling behind because most of us are struggling just as much ;)
Getting there WAS the first step, and fighting off the "habit" of comfort eating was the second!! You are farther ahead than you think! If you can manage a child with Diabetes ((as a toddler for goodness sakes!!) then YOU-CAN-DO-ANYTHING!!!! You WILL get there. Slowly. One day at a time, but I know you will!!! New habits are around the corner....and I pledge with you my friend that I will NOT seek comfort in food anymore either! Now I just have to make Josh stop buying all that junk! AHHHHHH!!!! ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteHi Wendy! I just wanted to tell you that I think you are amazing. And not getting any sleep will not make you a failure; hello, it's 11:26 and I am still awake and I am a working mom. So it is a rarity that I get 8 hours of sleep and I managed and got results. You have something so important to get up for that I am sure your body will adjust because that's what we do as human's, we adjust. That's how God made us.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to seeing you Saturday morning! Way to go avoiding that candy! You should be proud of yourself mama because you are taking steps in the right direction for you.
Andrea "Kinky"
P.S. I didn't do a single push-up for my first assessments either. Last week I did 19. Hang in there mama!
YOU.HAVE.GOT.THIS Wendy. The beginning will be the most difficult. You are a strong woman. You initiated this. You are a pancreas for the love of Pete.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you. I'll be cheering you on every step of the way. This is a journey that you will see through. You have to ... for you.
Way to go Wendy! You are an amazing woman and you can do this! You have already done the hardest part. I'm so proud of you! You are such an inspiration to me and everyone else! I sure love you friend!
ReplyDeleteyou can do this, you can! Just remember you're not doing it for others but you're doing it for you and you are beyond worth every ounce of sweat, effort, difficult push up and sprint across the floor. I am excited for you.
ReplyDeleteHow inspiring to read these comments!!
ReplyDeleteI get it, Wendy. D has brought emotional eating into my life. It's like I'm just trying to feel better somehow... And sleep. I know. Everything says you need sleep to lose weight. HOW am I supposed to do that?!?
You are on an incredible journey... And I know you will be successful!
Wendy-you are awesome! I wouldn't have had the courage to go. : )
ReplyDeleteBut you made it through one session (and a weigh-in!), I know you can do it-you'll put as much effort in as you do with D, and be just as successful!
I'll be praying that food loses its hold on you, and that you are victorious! : )
Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak. Mark 14:38