Warning: Freak Out Ahead

Well, Friends.  It looks like we made it.  Thanks for supporting me during NaBloPoMo November 2010!   I've met some new pals, read some awesome blogs, and found myself looking forward to our daily rendezvous here at Candy Hearts.  I have to admit that half the time I sat down to write my daily post, **I** really had no idea what we'd end up with.  It was like a new surprise every day!

And so here we are.

Day 30.

Cue Christmas music....the holidays have officially begun! Thanksgiving was splendid. Decorations are up.  Children are singing.  Everyday the backpacks are filled with another cute little art project.

Smile.

Ahhhhhh...I'd like to stay there.

In that nice happy place.

But........

WARNING:  FREAK OUT AHEAD!

Today's post has been looming in the pit of my stomach for weeks.

By the time you're reading this, I'll be in a deep meditative state chanting to the A1c Powers That Be.

You see, I've had anxt about our endo visits in the past, but I could generally tell how things were going by keeping tabs on Sugar's 90 day overall average.  Usually her average and A1c seems to measure up pretty well with the chart in this article.  So, basically, for awhile I've been feeling somewhat prepared going into our appointments.  It helps that she's been between 6.8 - 7.3 consistently for the past 2+ years...that's a confidence booster, ya know?

Except...........

We aren't talking about THOSE appointments.

We're talking about TODAY's appointmenT.

Oh dear.

We've had 400 and 500's tossed into the mix for months.  Totally random.  Just thrown in there every now and then to see what we'd do, I guess.

Smooth sailing ------------aaaannnndddd BOOM!!!!!!!!!  Not smooth.

I **HATE** troubleshooting highs.

Do we need a new vial of insulin?  Is it the site?  Air bubble?  Is the tubing kinked?  Did I miscount her carbs?  Did I forget to bolus?  Did we miss a low and now she's had a rebound?  Is she getting sick?  Is she growing?  Do I need to adjust basals?  Ratios?  Correction factors????

HUH???  HUH????  SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THE HE.........CKah (Hi Reyna!) THESE CRAZY NUMBERS ARE COMING FROM!!

And...then there was the remote thing.  Nothing "HAPPENED" to it per se, but it seemed like it was starting to have some trouble connecting with the pump.  I mean it worked, and all, but...who needs to wait longer for the pump and the remote to communicate??  So I called Animas.  They sent a new one ASAP.  Easy peasy.

Sooooo....what was that 90 day average again?

I DO NOT KNOW, PEOPLE!!!!  Why are you asking me these things?!?!  I have no idea how long we've actually had the new remote, so I don't have a freaking CLUE what her 90 day average is at this minute!  I DO know, however, that whatever history is in her new remote says 180.

Come again?

YES!  IT FREAKING SAYS 1-8-0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Which, I would have been THRILLED with a few years ago.  When Sugar - dx age 24 months - was younger, her target was 7.8 - 8.5.  Her endo -- whom we trust immensely -- discussed the rapid brain growth that occurs until sometime around age 6, and relayed concerns about the unknown long term effects of low blood sugar during that phase of development.  Sugar has a history of HORRIBLE low blood sugars -- passing out, combative, confused, hours of recovery....HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE!!!  Together we felt comfortable with this target range, and she worked closely with us as we slowly moved into the 7's with minimal - known - low blood sugars.  After achieving an A1c in the 7's a few months before Sugar's 5th birthday, we haven't gone back to the 8's.   Friends, we've been at this for more than 5 years...without a CGM.  For 3 years, we've been creeping FORWARD -- or, at the very least, STEADY -- we have NOT moved BACKWARDS...UNTIL NOW!!!!  OMGsh....Is it hot in here?  I'm feeling slightly lightheaded. )

She hasn't had an average that high for A. LONG. TIME.

It's so much pressure, PEOPLE!!!!  For YEARS the 7's eluded me.  Y-E-A-R-S!!!!!  Once we finally made it to 7's-ville, the pressure was on to STAY there.

I. CAN'T. HANDLE. THE. PRESSURE!!!!!!

Over the past few years, I've had to make some trades for those A1c's and averages:

I've traded sleep.
I've gained 40 pounds.
I've screamed at people I care about.
I've lost my sense of organization.
I've forgotten how to make some of my family's favorite meals.
I've lost my train of thought so many times, I'm pretty sure people might think dementia is setting in.
I've forgotten things at work.
I've made silly mistakes in life...like putting my CELL PHONE IN THE DISHWASHER and washing it!

I've seen a direct correlation between the downfall of **ME** and the stability of her A1c's.

I'm not blaming her.  I'm blaming this blasted DISEASE!

So....a few months ago....

I started making it a higher priority to get to the gym everyday.
I started checking less at night (1-2 times instead of 2-3 times) in an effort to preserve sleep.
I started focusing more on the healthy relationships in my life.
I started taking a weekly class at church that I've been interested in for awhile.
I EVEN WENT AWAY WITH MY HUSBAND ALONE FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!

AND NOW LOOK WHAT HAS HAPPENED?????


180?????!!!!!!?????!!!!!

So what's a mom to do?


(I mean, besides, mediate and chant.)

Well, DUH!

Bake (gluten-free) cookies, of course!

I mean, seriously, who can crush a mother's heart when she's bringing cookies to the dreaded appointment???  At the very least, they should be able to let me down easy, don'tchya think?

And so that's that.

It's all out there now.  

It's not like I could have figured out a way to FAKE IT.  

It is what it is.

And now I have to figure out how to get both of us back on track.

It helps that I have this little package of joy to remind me of my blessings when I'm feeling down...

Hey.

Life is good.

This life of raising a child with diabetes is full of ups and downs.

We'll figure it out.

I hope.

Click HERE to see how the story ends...

PS!!!!  Speaking of cookies....

I entered the BLUE CIRCLE COOKIES I made for WDD and a guest post into a contest on Facebook. It's the same sugar cut out recipe as the one I used to make today's cookies.  As of right now, the BLUE CIRCLES ARE WINNING!!!!  But our luck could change any minute.  If you'd like to support the WDD cookies, please "LIKE" the Gluten-Free Cookie Swap and then "LIKE" my cookie recipe!

Besides....I need the extra TLC today.

Thanks :)